By Myles Palmer
Why have I lost interest in England?
I used to preview all their games here and tape all their games and talk about them a lot.
It’s partly impatience. I want to see England v Turkey. All the other qualifying games are tosh.
England will not beat Turkey home or away, but I want to see those two games and find out if my theories will be disproved.
Beating Macedonia 4-0 at Southampton tonight will be meaningless.
Sven’s men dug out three points on a waterlogged pitch in Slovakia.
A lucky 2-1 win, but I don’t judge a team on one game.
ENGLAND, FOR ME, HAVE THE SAME FAULTS AS LIVERPOOL.
They play too defensively. They play 4-4-2 and don’t use a half-striker like Beardsley, Sheringham or Bergkamp.
A good half-striker would let Gerrard vary his game more.
Sven bases his team on stars rather than method, a risky approach,to put it mildly.
He retains Heskey because Owen likes him.
He brings back Gary Neville because Beckham feels better with Gary behind him.
So he relies too much on Owen and Beckham.
Neither of them could correct what was wrong in Bratislava, where England defended too deep in the first half.
FOR A WHILE, IMG were doing a fine job marketing Sven as the Mr Cool of world football.
He seemed to be the perfect corporate coach. Modern,diplomatic, ideal for endorsements, a sophisticated gentleman on the London dinner party circuit.
My take on him is this : Sven is a lorry driver’s son who came out of the dark, deep forest of Torsby and discovered that he liked sunshine and the Latin lifestyle.
So he took himself off to Portugal and Italy and became a millionaire.
Then he got a tasty job as England coach at a fantastic salary.
Then he met Ulrika, a daft woman who says she wants a loving, stable relationship.
From what we have seen of her memoirs, she will never have a loving, stable relationship.
She is a daft girl.Not stupid, just daft.
Some girls are groupies. Some girls always want the men they can’t have. Some girls write kiss-and-tell books more for revenge than for the money.
So it’s all got a bit squalid for Sven.
People now know that Ulrika’s home village is near Burnham Beeches, England’s HQ. So he could pop round easily for a shag.
On the phone, in front of his Italian girlfriend Nancy, he talked in Swedish to Ulrika, and Nancy thought he was talking to Tord Grip, his assistant.
So from being Mr Cool, Sven now seems a bit naff.
He would love to be a playboy with style, but Ulrika has made him look a bit naff, a bit cheap.
We didn’t want to know about his private life but it’s been thrust in our faces.
ROBERT PIRES PLAYED 90 MINUTES behind closed doors today against a QPR eleven. He scored one and made one in a 5-1 win.
That is huge news for Gooners. The best player in the country is fit again. But don’t expect miracles yet.
Robbie is a human being like the rest of us and he has been out since March 23.
Sweet hat-trick by Franny Jeffers against Macedonia, making it 12 goals in 12 Under-21 games. I love his movement.
But there’s a chasm between Under-21 football and Arsenal football.
A VARIATION ON AN OLD JOKE, FROM SCOTLAND.
A plane was about to crash with five people on board and only four parachutes.
The first passenger said,”I’m Henrik Larrson, a Celtic hero. I’m worth millions and my fans need me,so I think I should be saved.”
The others agreed and gave him one of the parachutes and off he went.
The second passenger said,”I’m Tommy Sheridan, a radical Scottish politician who can really help my country, so I think I should be saved.”
The others said,”OK” and gave him a parachute.
The third guy said,”I’m David Beckham, captain of the England team. I have a wife and two young kids. Everyone knows I am a really nice guy and everyone thinks I am stupid, but I’m not, so I’m taking a parachute,” and off he went.
The two remaining passengers were the Pope and a ten year old schoolgirl.
The Pope said,”Child, I am old and frail, I’m 87, I’m going to meet my maker soon anyway, whereas you are young with your whole life ahead of you. So you take the parachute and I will stay with the plane and take my chance.”
And the little girl said,”It’s OK, there are still two parachutes. Beckham picked up my schoolbag.”
15 October 2002