Stuart Pearce’s England are the worst Under-21 side I’ve ever seen – and the luckiest.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m patriotic. I really hope England beat Germany tonight.
But I suspect we will give the Germans fewer problems than the lively Italians gave them in the semi-final.
Watching Andy Murray will be an upper but following that with England’s dopey Under-21s is a rather grim prospect. Andy is on top of his game, England barely play the game.
We are donkeys who could actually win the tournament. Our two best players are Kieran Gibbs and Lee Cattermole of Wigan.
Micah Richards is a big lump who has forgotten whatever it was that got him into the England senior team. And the rest are so one-dimensional.
Germany? The children of immigrants are now doing very well for this German team.
Never mind that there is no Seeler, Hoeness, Schnellinger, Schwarzenbeck or Effenberg, no Gerd Muller or Hansi Mueller or Klaus Fischer.
They all have names like Aogo, Castro, Ozil, Boateng and Ben-Hatiko. And they’re good players. Fabian Johnson has American parents and chose to play for Germany.
Never mind that blond right back Andreas Beck is Russian-born. A terrific player who scored with a thunderous 30-yard shot against Italy in the semi. The only goal of the game in the 48th minute.
They don’t have a striker but at least they play a bit of football.
Dejagan of Wolfsburg has a shaved head and tattoos and a tasty left foot. Ozil, like Dejagan, is essentially an attacking midfield player.
OK, blond keeper Manuel Neuer is as German as you can be. Neuer of Schalke wears a blue jumper and is wanted by Bayern Munich. In any decade, that’s German.
In the semi against Sweden, we could not build a 3-0 lead in 38 minutes – and could not even defend a 3-0 lead.
We allowed Sweden to score three goals, so it went into extra time and with Fraizer Campbell having been sent off we were lucky to survive,
Our hero was keeper Joe Hart. who took England’s second penalty after Milner had missed the first. Hart scored and it was soon 5-4 after Gibbs slotted to put pressure on Sweden and their guy missed and that put England in tonight’s final. Joe Hart was booked for gamesmanship (talking to a penalty-taker during the shoot-out) by a little Turkish ref who had already booked him in a previous game.
At best, England are a methodical outfit with a good work ethic and some powerful athletes.
I just wish we had the crafts and good habits to play proper football. I’ve watched the games against Finland, Spain and Sweden and we haven’t played any football at all. Pearce fielded his reserves in the third Group game against the Germans and the understudies had the better of a 1-1 draw.
We got a flying start against hosts Sweden by scoring in the first minute from a corner. That was our third goal of the tournament from a corner. Right back Martin Cranie slammed it in, Agbonlahor tried to flick, and the ball went in off a defender on the line.
In 23, Agbonlahor jumped and led with his arm and his elbow split the eyebrow of Sweden’s captain Bjarsmyr. When he was off having stitches, England got another corner and Onuoha banged in a left foot shot for 2-0.
The $64,000 question then was : Are we good enough to score a goal in open play when we are leading 2-0?
Answer : No. We are not good enough to score a goal in open play. We can’t string three passes together. But we got another goal from a set-piece when Cattermole’s flick-header went in off the Bjarsmyr.
So Stuart Pearce’s heroes, a team without any rhythm, flair or intelligence, were 3-0 up at half-time.
Marcus Berg then scored the best goal of the game, converting a low cross from the right.
In 76, Toivonen’s terrific free-kick went over the wall and beat Joe Hart for 3-2. Five minutes later Berg scored a goal that was even better than his first one. A good right wing cross went beyond the bar post, a slick backheel set up the chance, Berg smacked in for 3-3.
In extra time, Fraizer Campbell was on a yellow card and made sure he got a second booking. He knew Agbonlahor was out of the final, if we got there, so he made a crazy tackle and got sent off. What a dickhead! If we can’t keep the ball with 11 men, how were we gonna keep it with 10?
Theo Walcott switched to centre forward for the last 16 minutes. After 111 minutes, Berg hit the bar and by then I was hoping Sweden would win. They had played some nice stuff and scored two good goals in open play.
It went to penalties and we won and Pearce’s boys are in tonight’s final in Malmo. Hart, Agbonlahor and Campbell are all suspended.
I wish I could say England Under 21s were a good side. But if I did I would be a liar. We are dire. We ain’t very good. We’ve been dire in every game we’ve played.
Commentator Martin Tyler remains a master of understatement. He noted that Theo Walcott “has had a mixed time out here in Sweden.”
After the semi, Smudger Smith admitted, “We’ve not played a great deal of football, have we? But three good balls into the box -you ask questions of defenders and they haven’t been able to answer them.”
Is that all we have to offer in the 21st century? Three good balls into the box? Is that the most we can hope for?
Fabio Capello has flown out for tonight’s final. He knows that nobody in this Under-21 team is really reliable enough to be in his World Cup eleven. But a couple will be on the plane anyway.
If England win on set-pieces it will demonstrate that you do not have to play football to win a football tournament.
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Update : England 0 Germany 4
Castro 23, Ozil 48, Wagner 79, 84.
Crowd : 20,000