Dear M. Wenger,
Please do not embarrass yourself by having the temerity to blame the pitch for your side’s inability to create a single chance of any note last night.
Perhaps you might like to consider your abject centre halves; your inexplicable decision to deploy van Persie as a deep lying playmaker midfielder; your insistence to play the fastest centre forward in the league as a right winger (for 4 years); your continued faith in a left back who’s barely had a good game in 2 years; your “holding midfielder” who can’t tackle or hold his position; or your desire to play the exact same system for every game no matter who the opposition is.
I think it’s best that you and I spend some time apart.
Kind regards,
Jonny Rosenblatt (Season ticket holder and shareholder)